I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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