Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
