nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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