Girls should come with a carfax report
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize