I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
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SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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