I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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