remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
