Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
