I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
