we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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