Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
