Will you blow on my dice?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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