Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think your dad took our porno
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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