hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
