Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
