Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
