Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
