Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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