Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
