Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
