apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
