If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
