dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
