hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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