Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I would ride that face into the sunset
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
