Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
