So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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