If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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