All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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