I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
