3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
