i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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