As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
