I think I won the penis lottery.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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