i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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