His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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