You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
