my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
