My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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