NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
