you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
nutella sex= disaster
She's like a pop up book from hell.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
