i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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