She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
