you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
