I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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