I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
