I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
50% drunk capacity currently
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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