This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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