I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
