mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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