my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
