Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
