just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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