i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
