How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
