I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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