If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
