You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
