the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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